Twelve Lessons
Universal lessons we can learn from every relationship — whether they end well or not.
One of my closest girlfriends is going through an ugly breakup. They were together for more than a year, and things were going well until they weren’t. He grew increasingly unavailable (emotionally and physically) until she was left feeling alone, confused, and heartbroken.
But what hurt her the most was that he had just vanished. He stopped calling and texting, barely replied when she reached out, and refused to see her in person. It was like he had died, except she could still see him living his life on social media, and it felt like a knife to the chest.
She still has so many questions: What happened? What did I do wrong? Where did he go? And most importantly, why did he leave me?
I wish I had all the answers for her, but I don’t. We can never fully know the inner machinations of another person’s heart or mind. But I know that there are certain universal lessons we can learn from every relationship — whether they end well or not.
Twelve Lessons:
1. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about
This is something I have to remind myself of daily. We are all walking around with our baggage, demons, and pain. Just because someone seems happy on the outside doesn’t mean they are happy on the inside. It also doesn’t mean they want to share their inner turmoil with you.
2. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship
Every relationship has its ups and downs, its challenges and difficulties. If you’re looking for perfection, you’ll never find it. But that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than you deserve. Respect, kindness, and consideration are imperfect offerings that can make an imperfect relationship beautiful.
3. You will never fully know another person
No matter how well you think you know someone, parts of them will always be a mystery to you. And that’s okay. We’re all complex human beings with layers upon layers of depth. Even the most intimate relationships have question marks.
4. Love is not enough
Love is a start, but it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. Lasting relationships are ever-evolving organisms that require time, patience, and commitment. Love is the foundation, but it’s what you build on that foundation that counts.
5. Everyone is capable of hurt
Kind and gentle people hurt people too. We’re all human, and humans are beautifully flawed. Our humanity allows us to grow. And guess what? Relationships are the number one way to do that. But there’s one caveat, we learn and grow the most through our relationships when we’re open to being hurt. 😢 Yeah, I know. It sucks. But it’s true.
6. The people who hurt us the most are often the ones we love the most
This is another hard one. The people who can hurt us the most are often the ones we’re closest to. They know our triggers, our buttons, and our weaknesses. They know how to push us and how to hurt us. And sometimes, they do it intentionally. Other times, they do it unconsciously. But either way, it hurts. A lot.
7. Closure is a myth
I’ve said this before, but it’s worth repeating. There’s no such thing as closure. There’s no neat way to end a relationship. And even if there was, it’s not something that can be given to us by another person. Closure is something we have to offer to ourselves.
8. Grief is a process, not a destination
When a relationship ends, we grieve. And grief is not something that can be rushed or hurried. It’s a process that requires time and patience. There is no destination, no finish line. Grief is something we carry with us (in various stages) throughout our lives.
9. You can’t change someone else
If you’re in a relationship hoping to change the other person, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. People can change — but only when they want to, and rarely on your timeline or how you want them to. Relationships are not about changing or fixing someone. They’re about accepting someone precisely as they are. Of course, sometimes accepting someone also means admitting they aren’t for you.
10. Sometimes, people grow apart
As I said in #4, love is not enough. Sometimes people evolve into different versions of themselves, and they grow apart. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything was wrong with the relationship or either person. It just means the season changed, and it was time to move on.
11. It’s okay to let go
Letting go is never easy, but it can be the most loving thing to do. If someone isn’t good for you, if they’re not meeting your needs, if they’re not making you happy — it’s okay to let go. And if you’re not good for them, if you’re not meeting their needs, if you’re not making them happy — it’s okay for them to let go too.
12. Relationships are a learning experience
We don’t always get the lesson right the first time around. We rarely do. But that’s okay. Each relationship is a learning experience. And if we’re paying attention, we can learn a lot about ourselves, other people, and what we want (and don’t want) in a relationship.
No matter what you’re going through in your relationship(s), remember that you’re not alone. We’ve all been there before. And we all have the power to choose how we react to the hurt, the pain, and the heartbreak.
So give yourself some grace.
Feel your feelings, but don’t get lost in them.
And most importantly, remember that you are worthy of love .