There isn't a working definition of love.
Merriam-Webster says love is (1) "strong affection for another," (2) "attraction based on sexual desire," and (3) "affection based on admiration."
Those definitions don't do it for me.
My favorite definition of love comes from comes from M. Scott Peck, by way of bell hooks:
"The will to extend one's self
for the purpose of nurturing
one's own or another's spiritual growth."
—M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
Let's unpack this a bit, shall we?
Peck was gracious enough to expand on this thought:
“Love is as love does. Love is an act of will —namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
That makes sense, right?
I’m pretty sure that by “spiritual growth,” Peck was not talking about religion. But more about growing in our values, our sense of self, and how we show up to “this thing called life.”
As I've said before, relationships bring up our shit. But when love is present, we become more aware, compassionate, understanding, and connected.
This definition of love is holistic.
Love is an active choice —not something we have no control over, but a conscious opt-in. Imagine that? 🤯
More than affection and passion… love actively contributes to the development and flourishment of yourself and someone else.
In simple terms, love is selfless yet self-aware.
Here's the rub...
In All About Love, bell hooks discusses something that we’re all familiar with but probably lack the language to describe — confusing love and care.
Oomph! 😮💨
Her perspective on the conflation of love and care offers a nuanced understanding of how we often interpret and express love.
hooks suggests that while care is a vital component of love, it is not synonymous with love. This distinction is crucial in understanding the depth and complexity of what it means to truly love someone.
That part 👆🏾
In the context of love, hooks maintains that care is often seen as a nurturing, protective act that can be physically demonstrated and observed.
Attending to needs, offering support, or providing comfort —that's care.
But while love often includes care, love is not required to care.
People who work in hospitality (that includes medical professionals) and service industries care without loving all the time.
Love, on the other hand, encompasses not only care but also respect, knowledge, responsibility, and commitment.
Acts of kindness and attention are essential, but love is more comprehensive.
Love has depth. It involves a deeper engagement with the other person, understanding their totality, and, again, a commitment to their growth and well-being, not just their immediate comfort or satisfaction.
hooks asserts, and I agree, that love is not just about feeling good or being cared for.
So many of my clients recount stories of being cared for by parents, partners, and spouses, but many rarely feel loved.
Their basic needs were met —food, shelter, clothing, etc. However, the deeper connection and understanding that makes love… love is often missing.
Case in point: a client, let’s call her “Emily.” Emily’s partner is attentive to her daily needs. He’s good at making sure that she wants for nothing.
On the surface, things are perfect. They have the kind of relationship that Emily’s closest friends aspire to. Yet, Emily feels lonely.
She feels cared for by her partner but doesn’t feel seen or understood.
His body is there, but there’s an emotional and spiritual disconnect that’s ever-present in the relationship.
This is a classic example of care in the absence of love. It’s like nurturing a plant with water and sunlight in shitty compacted soil.
Emily's story is not unique.
If this resonates, you may have learned care while being starved of love too.
The challenge is to recognize and cultivate a love that transcends routine acts of care.
“When we engage love as action, you can’t act without connecting.”
-bell hooks
In light of all this, I invite you to reflect on your own experiences.
Sit with these questions:
Am I just being cared for, or do I genuinely feel loved?
Are my actions toward others stemming from routine care or a deeper, holistic place of love?
The answers could change your life… just saying.