How to Fast Track Genuine Intimacy with One Deceptively Simple Strategy
A single question can reveal a lot about someone and help build intimacy and connection.
There’s a string of questions that most people ask when they’re trying to get to know someone. You might not say them out loud, but you think about them. Things like:
How much does this person make?
What kind of car do they drive?
Where did they go to school?
Of course, there are different versions of the “getting to know you” interview (a.k.a. the date). It varies depending on personal history, core wounds, and relationship style. But some questions are so common they’re almost always asked in one form or another:
What do you like to do for fun?
What do you do for work?
What kind of music do you like?
What’s your favorite movie?
Coke or Pepsi? Coffee or Tea?
What is your favorite hobby?
Do you have pets?
Do you have siblings…
You get the gist.
And for the most part, people respond with stock answers. They rattle off a list of activities or interests and maybe even throw in a self-deprecating joke or two. But the thing is, nobody wants to hear about your favorite hobby (unless it’s something super unique like, say, taxidermy). And everyone knows that you don’t like all kinds of music, you probably just like what’s popular now.
The point is, when you’re getting to know someone, you’re not looking for surface-level information. You want to know what makes them tick. You want to hear about their hopes and dreams. You want to understand what motivates them. In short, you want to know their story.
Childhood is the gateway to intimacy.
The best way to get to know someone is to ask about their childhood.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t that a little weird? After all, most people don’t go around telling their business to just anyone.
But here’s the thing: this isn’t about asking arbitrary questions or being nosy. You’re giving them an opportunity to feel seen and heard.
It’s about showing them that you are interested. And in the process, you’re likely to learn much more about them than you would if you stuck to more superficial questions.
Plus, there’s a bonus: when you ask someone something specific about their childhood, they usually stop to think. And that’s always a good sign.
In the longest relationship I never had (not a typo), the guy was like Fort Knox when it came to opening up. He was a great listener because he avoided sharing anything about himself. But eventually, I broke through because I’m persistent like that. 😉
What was the question that got him talking, you ask? It was simply this: “What do you remember about the summer before 6th grade?”
That’s when the floodgates opened.
He told me about the bullying he endured from the kids who thought he was weird. And how he worked out that summer, teaching himself to fight back. And how he slowly started to gain confidence and make friends.
He talked about his first crush and how he never had the guts to tell her how he felt. And how he still thought about her from time to time, even though she’s long since married with kids of her own.
His eyes glistened when he remembered how he used to sit on the stoop waiting for his dad to stop by and see him, even though he knew he was never coming. And he choked up when he shared how he invited his father to his commencement ceremony, but he didn’t show up for that either. He later found out that his father had died days before.
That one question led to two hours of conversation, and I learned more about him in that short time than I had in the months we’d been dating.
And so it went. Every time we hooked up, I would ask him a single question about his childhood, and he would pull me into the crook of his arm and start singing like a canary.
I’m not sure if he ever realized that he was being vulnerable or that we were building intimacy, but that didn’t matter. The important thing was that I got to know a part of him that he rarely showed. And as a result, he felt safe in a way that he never had.
That non-relationship spanned nearly two decades, in case you’re wondering. And even though it never evolved into a committed relationship, it was exactly what we both needed—a safe space to be vulnerable and to share our stories.
Feigning interest undermines trust —So don’t do that.
If you don’t want to know, don’t ask. There are few things worse than someone who asks you a personal question and then doesn’t bother to listen to the answer.
The world is superficial enough. You don’t need to be another cog in the disconnection machine.
Attention is prime real estate. It’s the simplest and fastest way to real connection. Even more than that, it’s a way to show that you care.
So the next time you’re on a date with a new or old flame or catching up with a friend you haven’t seen in a while, ask them something specific about their childhood. It could increase the potential for intimacy and connection.
And if your question feels too personal or they just don’t feel like sharing, respect that. Your genuine interest will be appreciated, even if it doesn’t result in a long conversation.
Originally published on Medium
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