4 Reasons Why We Stay in Unsatisfying Romantic Relationships
Love is often the scapegoat for our not-so-great choices.
Love is a lot of things —complex, mysterious, and seemingly elusive.
But love is not painful. At least, it shouldn’t be.
Love is often the scapegoat for our not-so-great choices.
We blame love when things go left. But love does not bind us in unsatisfying relationships. That’s something else.
It’s a phenomenon that Esther Perel calls “stable ambiguity.”
“…too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building — a holding pattern that affirms the undefined nature of the relationship, which has a mix of comforting consistency AND the freedom of blurred lines.” — Esther Perel
In stable, ambiguous relationships, one or both people find themselves trapped in a web of attachment rather than experiencing genuine love, fulfillment, and relational health.
While I would love to tell you that stable ambiguity is uncommon —the opposite is true.
Uncertainty is the bane of human existence.
Not knowing drives us to the brink. Yet, when it comes to relationship-ing, we are willing to stay in situations that make us thirsty.
In this post, I aim to explore the compelling reasons why we linger in faux connections that offer “comforting consistency AND the freedom of blurred lines.”
Buckle up as we delve into the captivating world of stable ambiguity and uncover the intricate dynamics that keep us hooked.
Attachment
Attachment is powerful. It is so powerful that it overrides logic and pimp-slaps reason.
We form emotional attachments with people who remind us of our first relationships —and we don’t even realize it.
So when a relationship falls short of meeting our basic relational needs or fails to inspire happiness, we stay anyway.
Why? Because the fear of losing connection, even when it’s flimsy, is paralyzing.
We cling to the familiar, uncomfortable comfort and security of what we know. All while sacrificing happiness, fulfillment, and contentment in the process.
Attachment is the #1 thing that keeps us trapped in the cycle of stable ambiguity.
Fear of the Unknown
As I said before, uncertainty is the worst. That’s why we get paralyzed by the mere idea of not knowing.
Leaving a relationship is uncharted territory. And while adventure types may find this exhilarating, the rest of us are scared shitless.
It’s much easier to stay in a stagnant situationship than to face the uncertainty of letting go.
Familiarity always feels like the safer option, even when we’re miserable. Leaping into the unknown makes our blood run cold.
Fear of change. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. Fear of not knowing. Fear of landing in a worse situation.
All these things make stable ambiguity very attractive.
Sunk Cost Fallacy
“Escalation of commitment is a human behavior pattern in which an individual or group facing increasingly negative outcomes from a decision, action, or investment nevertheless continue the behavior instead of altering course.” —Wikipedia
A.K.A. the sunk cost fallacy.
The concept of sunk cost fallacy comes into play when we’ve invested significant time, energy, and emotions into a relationship that isn’t working.
We are reluctant to abandon our investment. So, instead, we cling to the hope that our efforts will eventually pay off.
So we make up stories…
“If I just try a little harder.”
“If I hold on a little tighter.”
“Things will get better.”
But they rarely do.
These mental gymnastics only keep us bound in relationships that offer us crumbs of love, respect, and fulfillment.
We’ve given so much of ourselves already, so we might as well stay. Right?
Yeah —naw.
Self-Worth and Identity
We rarely admit that our self-worth and identity are intrinsically tied to our relationships.
Our relationships are the primary source of stability (even second to the almighty dollar). We look to our relationships to validate and give us purpose. And these things are true even when we are unhappy and unsatisfied.
The thought of putting a relationship in the rearview and starting over from scratch makes us feel insecure, inadequate, and lonely.
So we cling to the dying relationship like our lives depend on it —with labored lungs and flailing arms. We do it to preserve our self-image, or so we think.
We hold on to avoid the inevitable discomfort of facing our vulnerabilities.
So there you have it —the curious case of stable ambiguity.
Attachment. Fear. Sunken costs. Self-image. They’re all driving factors that keep us stuck in the monotony of discontentment.
But comfort is only complacency in a nice suit.
I know change can be scary. I get it. But staying in an unsatisfying and potentially toxic relationship is like stepping in shit and pretending you don’t smell it.
You can get the shit off your shoe and start smelling the roses by embracing the courage to let go.
You are worthy of joy, love, and satisfaction. And there’s nothing you need to do to be deserving, either.
Take a deep breath.
Gather your strength.
Pull your metaphorical knickers out of your booty.
And leap.
You’ll be glad and relieved that you did. 😮💨
Originally published on Medium
Enjoyed what you read?
Show some love and consider becoming a paid supporter. Your support helps sustain this content and spreads the joy of deeper connections and understanding in relationships.